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- Wesley Crusher returns to the USS Enterprise-D, causing a series of unfortunate events. Meanwhile, United States President Barack Obama appears inexplicably from the 21st century, providing some entertainment for the crew.
Characters[edit | edit source]
- Wesley Crusher • Data • Geordi La Forge • Nobody • Miles O'Brien • Barack Obama • Jean-Luc Picard • Q • William T. Riker • Deanna Troi • Worf
Referenced only[edit | edit source]
- Mr. Writer (Act One)
Unnamed[edit | edit source]
Starships[edit | edit source]
Locations[edit | edit source]
Other references[edit | edit source]
Governments and organizations[edit | edit source]
Memorable quotes[edit | edit source]
"Yes, yes, enough, Data. How did you get in here? I locked the door."
"No, sir. It was not locked. Otherwise, I would not have intruded."
"Beverly. She likely stopped by while I was showering. The bitch can't even lock a door behind herself..."
"Perhaps you should refrain from giving 'the bitch' your personal access codes, sir."
- — Jean-Luc Picard and Data
"I have some bad news, sir. The Federation has banned the use of marijuana on board all starships, because of some new bogus health law..."
"Hah! Good one, Riker. You'll have to try harder than that to ruin my day."
"Ahem... and... Wesley's back."
"God help us all."
- — William T. Riker and Jean-Luc Picard
"What's wrong, O'Brien, trying to stay celibate? You know you want her."
"I'm...saving myself for someone else."
"Aww, how sweet. The forty-year-old virgin is gonna wait another forty years to get laid!"
"I am not forty... yet! And if you really must know, her name is Keiko."
"Come, Wesley. I think you've done enough damage here."
- — Wesley Crusher, Miles O'Brien and Jean-Luc Picard
"Oh my god! It's Wesley!"
"Yes, it is I, the great Wesley Crusher! The brilliant, the magnificent, the..."
"The man whore."
- — a crewman, Wesley Crusher and Worf
"Hey, Wesley. I've really missed you. I've even had dreams about your return." ... "Maybe we can have a little fun later in my quarters?"
"Dear Lord, La Forge, how long have you been gay, and why have I not been informed?"
"Oh, I'm not gay, captain... Wesley's just special..."
"He has a vagina?"
"Thank you for that, number one... ahem... if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my ready room trying to remove that image from my head."
- — Geordi La Forge, Jean-Luc Picard and William T. Riker
"Speak of the dev – uh, I, uh... mean... the messiah, and, uh... he shall... appear."
"Holy shit, it's President Obama! Holy fucking shit, how can this be?"
"Unknown captain. Most fascinating, though."
"I, uh... was sent, uh... to the future... to, uh... find more jobless people to put on, uh... welfare..."
"Hmm... I don't think we have any more of those left. Mr. Data?"
"No, sir. The jobless man is all but extinct in 24th century Earth."
- — Barack Obama, Jean-Luc Picard and Data
"Now, let's not... get out of, uh... control. We need, uh... peace and justice to... prevail..."
"My thoughts exactly Mr. President. Peace is, after all, the founding principal of the Federation."
"Well thank you, uh... captain... I, uh... don't have a Nobel, uh... Peace Prize for nothing."
"The correct spelling in that case would be principle, not principal, sir."
"How in the hell could you tell how I 'spelled' it?"
"Hmm... perhaps it was a mistake in the dialog. The writer of this episode may have mistakenly written pal instead of ple."
- — Barack Obama, Jean-Luc Picard and Data (breaking the fourth wall)
"Alright Wesley, bend over."
"Sure... I'll do anything you want... just please don't make me listen to any more of that God-awful Klingon wailing..."
"Be glad the captain didn't make you listen to Justin Bieber."
"The one male in this universe gayer than me... please, no..."
- — Geordi La Forge and Wesley Crusher
Continuity[edit | edit source]
- Fuck continuity!! We do what we want!
Background and trivia[edit | edit source]
[edit | edit source]
|v - e - ?||Sexy Trek|
|Volume 1||"Shut Up, Wesley!" • "Killary"|